ratatouille

okay, i read ratatouille about 17 years ago. i read it in a book called, "anatole". i know it's old, but it won the caldecott medal and shit. i really liked you, pixar. i liked that little girl in monsters, inc., i own the incredibles, and i liked cars even though it was a boy movie. for shame. wake up, major news networks, i have a story for you.

sick

this cold i have right now is proving to be an excellent weight loss solution. i've lost at least five pounds in boogers in the last week. but i guess the problem is, all that weight is from my head. losing five pounds from your head is literally equivalent to blowing the weight of my brain out, plus about half my skull. delicious.

death, urine and a punch in the face

1) death

last week, i was walking back to the office from chipotle. the pesky walk sign in front of my building was quickly counting down to zero, so i decided to run across the street. BOOM! just as the light turned green, i fell on my ass in the middle of the road in front of about 100 people in their cars, outside of the building, and on the street. there was a collective gasp as all these people turned and pointed. fortunately, the kind police woman was able to blow her whistle very loudly, instructing the cars to please not run me over. all attention is good attention, right?

2) urine

yesterday on my way to work, i stepped on a tile outside the metro. the tile flipped over, and splashed me with some kind of wet substance. but what was that smell? oh yes. apparently i had overturned the neighborhood urinal. try explaining that one to the boss. i went home and changed.

3) technically, this one was two punches in the face

last night, at around 3, and then again at 4 in the morning, james punched me in the face. i bet he doesn't remember.
j: *PUNCH!*
m: OW! JAMES!
j: mumble mumble don't play on the c string play on the a string mumble mumble
m: james, are you talking to me?
j: what? no, no....mumble

an hour later:
j: *PUNCH!*
m: JAMES! nevermind. that's fine.
j: mumble

apparently james was having a cute dream about student teaching. now tell me how you really feel, james.

shopping list

here is a list of things we are out of:

paper
tissues
paper towels
toilet paper

going to the bathroom has never been so exciting.

very traumatizing news

i took prairie to the vet yesterday.
"so how's prairie dawn been doing?"
"really well, no problems."
(vet is examining prairie)
"and she's about 12 weeks, right?.... oh. prairie is male."

"WHAAAT!!!"

"oh yes, there are the testicles."
"OH MY GOD!!"
"but why should that matter, right?"
"WHAT!!! I can't call my MALE cat PRAIRIE DAWN!"

(rushing out 10 minutes later)
m: JAMES!! PRAIRIE IS A BOY!!!
j: hahahaha.
m: it's not funny!!!
j: i'm going to call him john and buy him a gi joe.
m: NO YOU WILL NOT!!!
j: now there are two boys in the house!! yay!
m: i shouldn't have told you. i'm just going to pretend she's a girl.
j: you don't want to give prairie gender confusion. do you want prairie to end up having gay sex?
m: JAMES!!! that's DISGUSTING!!
j: hahahaha.

EDIT: now the kitty's name is "prairie don". i'm literally in shock. i cannot refer to prairie as a "he". i decided to say "the kitty" or "prairie" instead of any pronoun. i need to do something to make prairie more of a boy in my mind. i always pictured prairie in fields of flowers with little wings and hearts. now i have to picture...him...shooting a gun and riding in a sports car. sigh.

new kitty!!

readers of this blog will know that my mom likes to tell me lots of lies. one of my first memories of her lying to me is when she was pregnant with al, she told me i could name the baby. and what did i think would be a beautiful name for the new baby girl? prairie dawn, the name of the prettiest character on sesame street. my mom, being a lie-y liar, when she heard my nice suggestion, promptly told me that she decided that she was going to name the baby "allison beth", a much uglier name than "prairie dawn".
but there's a light at the end of this dark tale: i was finally able to use the name "prairie dawn" on my new kitty! i love my kitty lots and lots. i am also totally terrified that i am going to do something to kill her. maybe this fear has something to do with the fact that she almost got smushed under the fridge within the first three seconds that i had her in the apartment.
now, i have to leave her by herself all day while i'm at work. i've been trying to run home during lunch to check on her, but right before i open the door, i always get this feeling of panic that she might be dead.

here is a list of ways that my kitty could die:
choking on food
strangling herself with her toy
falling from the tall pillow
getting loose in the apartment and suffocating under the fridge
smashing into the wall
drowning in her water bowl
crunching her head under the dresser

that's all that's coming to mind. i better check on her now.

law applications and shit.

i've realized that my personal statement is making me sound dangerously like a messiah. which of course i am, but i want to keep it on the dl until i'm admitted - no need to start running any mental health background checks on the ol' jordan name. oh god. also, in what context to you think it is appropriate to use the word "butt" on my application? because i totally went there. let's see how that one goes over.